Reward and Punishment

In direct contrast to the recent experience of Dork 1 and the other blessed Bostonians, the sun does not shine on the sports teams that I like. Somehow my support seems to turn promising draft picks into arrogant washups, strong arms into dust, and golden franchises into dynasties of disappointment.

Since childhood I have tried to wait it out. I've bided my time. I've been patient as ticket prices have increased and losses have mounted. But what has it gotten me? A lifetime of spoiled Sundays. A bitter taste in my mouth.

Enough is enough.

As a supporter of countless mediocre and poor sports teams over the years, I am hereby proposing the adoption of a "relegation" mechanism in American professional sports.

It is common in European leagues for teams to be transferred between division at the end of the season: the top teams in each echelon are called up to the next-highest division, while the worst teams are dropped to the lower division. In English football, for example, the bottom three teams in the Premiership are relegated each year, while the top two teams in the Football League Championship (the next level down) are automatically promoted with the next four vying for the third spot through a set of playoffs. This continues down through the Football Leagues One and Two, the Conference National, and the Conferences North and South.

This system accomplishes three things. First, it makes the end of the year exciting for everyone, including those who have suffered through a season of defeats. Given serious loss of revenue, exposure, and players, those at the bottom have everything to play for. Second, having teams coming up from the lower divisions adds excitement to the season with real underdogs fighting for the title. Third, if my no-good teams were relegated, at least they wouldn't be on TV so much, which would save me valuable time where I might take up a hobby, such a horticulture or backgammon.

Yes, it would be difficult to implement a new system at this point, but hockey and baseball, at least, already have minor leagues, and we could start with them. Getting "called up to the big leagues" could take on a whole new meaning.