"You know how to whistle, don't you?"

After Ed Hochuli's destruction of the San Diego Chargers yesterday (the steroids that Hochuli takes to have the world's most enormous set of forearms appear to have finally taken their toll), Mike Shanahan spoke out against the naysayers who said that Denver had caught a lucky break:

"This was the best crew that we have had in the last 20 crews I have graded. . . . They did a heck of a job. Every game that you see that is within a point or a field goal over the last couple years, it may be a call or a non-call that wasn't right, but that is the nature of this game. You have to find a way to win. . . . We still had the ball at third-and-10 and had to get it into the end zone. Third-and-10 and then fourth-and-4. We still had to make a two-point conversion. . . . It wasn't like somebody gave us the touchdown. You have to go out there and still get it done."

As much as I like Mike Shanahan (I don't), this is idiotic. It's like when I used to play basketball as a kid with my brother and he'd knock me over with his fist and then dribble in for a layup: the fact that he still had to take a shot didn't somehow magically erase everything that led up to the basket. The initial foul despoiled everything that followed.

Mike Shanahan and my brother are cheaters.

And I'm telling.

The Two Americas

Why do the Chinese hate Michael Phelps and love Kobe Bryant?


The current theory is that the NBA is big in China and swimming is, well, not (although it should be noted that Mao loved the water and, despite pleas from his doctors, would go for dips in China's less-than-inviting rivers to show off his manatee-esque physique, see photo at left).


This sounds convincing, but I think the real story has to do with what Michael Phelps and Kobe Bryant stand for. Kobe Bryant embodies the America the Chinese government can tolerate: corporate America. Corporate America is not threatening to the Communist Party. Not only is corporate America willing to play by whatever rules the Party tells it (as long as it is allowed to make money), corporate America also shares a common approach to the public: appear to serve their interests while manipulating them to your ends. Phelps stands for the other America: individualism writ large. His accomplishments suggest that one man matters, that one person can accomplish amazing things on his own. That is a message that terrifies the Communist leadership. And, worse still, it’s clear that Phelps isn't just doing it for the money. If Phelps achieves the impossible and wins eight gold medals he gets a million dollars from Speedo. A million dollars? Is Dr. Evil running the outfit? Kobe Bryant makes a million dollars by waking up in the morning.

If you needed more evidence that The New Yorker was a commie rag. . .

From Hendrik Hertzberg's blog:

"I love baseball, but I’m not an anyone fan. As a kid I loved the Brooklyn Dodgers. . . When Walter O’Malley betrayed Brooklyn and all that is good and holy it was my greatest childhood trauma. . . Since then I have had intimacy issues with baseball teams. I allowed myself to like the Red Sox when I lived in Boston and in theory I like the Cubs."

Excuse me? "[N]ot an anyone fan"? What does that even mean? "[I]ntimacy issues"? THERE ARE NO "INTIMACY ISSUES" IN BASEBALL. There's being a baseball fan and having a team, or not being a baseball fan and not having a team. Plausibly, once you have a team, you can "in theory" like a team from the opposite league, particularly if you happen to live in the city they play in. Short of that, however, to say that you "love baseball" but you're "not an anyone fan" is like saying that you "are exclusively heterosexual" but you "do have sex with men."

News Flash: Urgent Update!

In response to my consideration of capital punishment for corrupt refs, lawyers for Mr. Donaghy forwarded the accompanying photograph.

I'm pretty sure that it depicts Donaghy teaching his daughters how to strangle a puppy.

What's that Foul Odor?

This morning, Tim Donaghy, the former N.B.A. referee who came clean (or as clean as someone made entirely of horse manure and guano can come) concerning his betting on games he officiated, was given a sentence of 15 months in the slammer.

Call me a law-and-order Republican (or Nancy), but 15 months? Does that come with the poolside view or the ocean view? I'm sorry but that's ridiculous. Under the Federal Sentencing Guidelines you get beaten with a tire iron continuously for 47 years just for knowing someone who once had a friend who saw a movie in which a character was depicted doing crack.

At the very least, this guy has soured a national pastime. And on this front, it's worth noting that until the Supreme Court recently stepped up to the plate, we were holding guys indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay for simply failing to wear a flag pin when entering a mosque.

However, Donaghy's actions go beyond soiling professional basketball. What is the actual cost to society of a fixed game? Just ask the city of Sacramento, which was robbed of a Western Conference Championship in 2002 when the Lakers were gifted 27 free throws in the fourth quarter of Game 6. Let's start with the Sacramento dads who, infuriated by the biased officiating, turned their anger on their wives and children. Domestic violence costs a lot: among other things (like, um, causing immense physical and emotional suffering), it takes up police, hospital, and social service resources. Then there were the other Kings fans who lashed out in self-destructive ways, punching cinderblock walls and breaking their hands or getting fall-down drunk, driving home, and crashing their cars. Others turned their disappointment and upset outward, committing vandalism and various assaults. And still others moped around for days in a funk, unable to focus on their jobs and important responsibilities. In addition, I'm going to go ahead and posit that a few suicides may have been sparked by the illegitimate Lakers win. It is difficult to accept, but cheating refs cost lives, property, and productivity.

Then there is the matter of the economic benefits of winning a Conference Championship (and, likely, the eventual NBA Championship) that were stolen from Sacramento. It's not just t-shirt and hat sales that were lost, but new season ticket sales and general increases in local business that accompany a championship season.

In short, fixing games as a ref is not a victimless crime. It's serious business, which makes Donaghy's sentence an embarrassment. I'm not saying that I'd favor the death penalty here; I'm just saying that if a state decided to enact it for "nefarious reffing," I think it would pass muster under the 8th Amendment.

Chamberlain Seeks Appeasement; Jews Skeptical

"'It's a 2-0 count and the game's one-nothing,' Chamberlain said. 'I'm not trying to do anything ... [He] doesn't want that pitch there and I don't want to throw that pitch there.'"

Thus spake Yankees phenom Joba Chamberlain, doing his best Roger-Clemens-under-oath impression, after this happened:



Which took place about three weeks after Chamberlain threw behind the most important Jew in the Red Sox organization this side of Theo Epstein.

Which went down less than a year after Chamberlain got suspended for throwing two fastballs over Youkilis's head in the same at-bat:



[Highlight of that video: the clip of Josh Beckett apparently warning Chamberlain that he risks "flunking Kant" if he continues acting on maxims that one could not will to be universal law.]

Here's an interesting statistic: In the 102 and 1/3 innings Chamberlain has pitched in his major league career, he has hit a batter three times. Juxtapose that factoid with the four throws above/behind Youkilis since August 2007, and it makes you wonder: is there anyone on the planet besides Jerry Remy who wouldn't think that Chamberlain had the proverbial mens rea on Friday? And if not, what is the league's prosecutorial arm waiting for--an NSA wiretap into Chamberlain's brain capturing his inner monologue?

MLB: Soft on crime. MLB: Nanny state. MLB = Michael Dukakis?

Favre on Ice

Now that the Green Bay Packers have officially told Brett Favre to go fuck himself, one wonders what the future Hall-of-Famer's next move will be. What exactly are Favre's options for further humiliating himself?

There have been reports that Favre might end up with the Jets. Appealingly degrading though this would be, I have an even better suggestion: Favre should play in Canada. The CFL, with its focus on passing, rough-riding, and multiples of 11, would be perfect for Brett's wide-open, country-boy, let's-crank-it-up-to-11 playing style. Plus, there's already a team with practically the exact same uniform as the Packers: the Edmonton Eskimos (see above). After the first couple of blows to the head, Favre would probably just think he was back on the frozen tundra, throwing to the guys in green and gold. Also, Edmonton is not exactly lacking in frozen tundra.

Think it over, Brett. I think this could make a lot of sense. Plus, I hear they have cheap prescription drugs up there.