Chamberlain Seeks Appeasement; Jews Skeptical

"'It's a 2-0 count and the game's one-nothing,' Chamberlain said. 'I'm not trying to do anything ... [He] doesn't want that pitch there and I don't want to throw that pitch there.'"

Thus spake Yankees phenom Joba Chamberlain, doing his best Roger-Clemens-under-oath impression, after this happened:



Which took place about three weeks after Chamberlain threw behind the most important Jew in the Red Sox organization this side of Theo Epstein.

Which went down less than a year after Chamberlain got suspended for throwing two fastballs over Youkilis's head in the same at-bat:



[Highlight of that video: the clip of Josh Beckett apparently warning Chamberlain that he risks "flunking Kant" if he continues acting on maxims that one could not will to be universal law.]

Here's an interesting statistic: In the 102 and 1/3 innings Chamberlain has pitched in his major league career, he has hit a batter three times. Juxtapose that factoid with the four throws above/behind Youkilis since August 2007, and it makes you wonder: is there anyone on the planet besides Jerry Remy who wouldn't think that Chamberlain had the proverbial mens rea on Friday? And if not, what is the league's prosecutorial arm waiting for--an NSA wiretap into Chamberlain's brain capturing his inner monologue?

MLB: Soft on crime. MLB: Nanny state. MLB = Michael Dukakis?

Counterpoint: Changing the Home Run Derby Rules = Wicked Un-American

In a recent post to the influential "Dorks on Sports" weblog, Dork 2 suggests that the rules of Major League Baseball's Home Run Derby are characterized by "arbitrariness" and "caprice." His/her/its argument: whatever bass-ackward, multi-round, non-aggregating tallying method MLB employs is a suboptimal system for determining the event's "winner" if a player can hit way more home runs than his opponent and still lose.

What Dork 2 fails to appreciate, however, is that similar logic would condemn the very lifeblood of the American democratic process: the Electoral College, which our Constitution's framers brilliantly devised in order to ensure that the person whom most voters want to be President won't always win. What next, Dork 2: a "National Popular Vote" movement for the Home Run Derby? Then maybe we nationalize our oil companies?

All-Star Underpants (or, the Commissioner's New Underpants)

So many memories from the All-Star festivities at Yankee Stadium this week: Chase Utley cursing the New York crowd... Billy Wagner blowing a late lead, including giving up an uncontested steal of second base (which is not easy for a left-handed pitcher)... George Steinbrenner getting a true totalitarian strongman's entrance, complete with nighttime sunglasses, weeping, man kisses, and, we can only hope, a diaper. Truly an event to remember. And thanks again to Bud Selig for making the All-Star Game "matter" again. I think they should play 15 innings every year! If we can't ruin the arm of every decent pitcher in both leagues in a single night, then the terrorists have already won.

Special mention, however, must go to the Home Run Derby. In the midst of all this newfound All-Star making-sense and mattering, the Home Run Derby stands as a bulwark of arbitrariness and rulebook caprice. So, Josh Hamilton sets a new record by hitting like 80 home runs, overcoming his drug-addiction demons once and for all on the grandest possible stage, and he... loses 5-3 to Justin Morneau? WTF? Justin Morneau couldn't carry Josh Hamilton's bent spoon and zippo! What exactly is the purpose of the multiple rounds, anyway? Forgive me, but it seems like the Home Run Derby is a pretty fucking simple concept. This is ripe for commissorial intervention.

Also, Dan Uggla: does that guy suck or what?

Housekeeping Note

Dorks: in an effort to increase our page views, I suggest that we begin adding the keyword label "underpants" to all of our posts. I got the idea from a friend who mentioned that his Flickr pictures of his two-year-old son get way more hits when they have words like "bathtime" and "underpants" associated with them than when they don't. And his son isn't even that hot.